if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
