a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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