i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
