I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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