Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
