Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
