I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
