I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
