just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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