first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
