My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
