I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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