i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
