I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
