is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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