Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
