I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
