Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Pooping to opera.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
