How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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