She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
