dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
