My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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