Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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