She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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