I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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