remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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