he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
