Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
