Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
