it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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