Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
