was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
