..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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