I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
