so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Even my vagina gasped.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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