Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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