he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
