: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
