he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
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I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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