I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
