My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
