how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
