There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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