I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
