what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You are a genius and a whore.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
