i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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