I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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