Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
