i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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