i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
