everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
