Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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