So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
