Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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