I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
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dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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