We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
