I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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