Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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