Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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