If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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