I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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