Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
